It's been a habit of my dear mother and I to have a conversation before we sleep, but with my current sleeping pattern, we haven't had the pleasure to talk about random things. But since I went to bed earlier than usual last night, we had the time to ramble on again. We were talking about certain things in and about life when the "what if" question was raised. No, it was not me who asked "What if Dad were alive?". It was my younger sister, who apparently was not asleep yet. This question was not an old one. It was a frequently asked question in the family, as a matter of fact. My answer would always be: If he were alive, he'd be bedridden. But last night was different. I entertained the idea that maybe, just maybe, my dad would not be sick in his deathbed. I can dream, can't I? I answered for the first time, Maybe life would be different for us. (Since my dad died, our life had been turned upside down but I won't discuss how it went for us.) My mom agreed, maybe. If my dad were alive (and healthy), I would be some spoiled brat who knows nothing about life but having fun. If he were alive, I would be an airhead who has nothing but expensive possessions. If he were alive, I would be a product of Catholic Schools. If he were alive, I would be living in comfort. If he were alive, I would not be working while studying. If he were alive, I would not be this broke. If he were alive, I would not be commuting to school. If he were alive, I would not experience what I have experienced in life. If he were alive, I would not be the person I am today. If he were alive, things would have been different for me and for my family. I could ramble on things that might and could have happened if he were alive, but that just would not do anymore. He is dead. So much for the What if Dad were alive? thought. The following are the things that I learned in the Job Hunting 101 Fieldwork AKA Pre-employment exam/Interview. Know the company profile. Before you confirm your attendance to the company's invitation, know the company first. Even though you are up only for an exam, it is always a must the you know something about the company. Because most of the time, their company profile is related to the exam you will be having. And in the interview they will also ask you about what you know about the company. So be prepared. Know what you are signing up for. Most fresh graduates have the tendency to apply and apply and apply (repeat till fade) without knowing and understanding first the job description. (Though most of the time, the companies do not really give a comprehensive job description so fresh graduates are not to be blamed all the way.) It is a requirement to know what position you are applying. Know if you are qualified, not qualified, or overqualified to the position before you send out your resume, so that in the interview you'll not be shocked to know that you applied for a job that you do not want. Be on-time. Duh! This should not be included here! It is a requirement that you are at the venue 10 to 15 minutes earlier than your schedule. (This is more of a note to myself, don't worry. So don't mind this.) Be also aware of the company's concept of time. If you are scheduled for an interview at 2pm, and yet the interviewer is still having lunch break until 3pm, then you should start thinking if this company is worth your time. I have this kind of experience. I think, no one should be kept waiting for more than 30 minutes because the employer is still having a break (any invalid/unprofessional excuse). Be fashionable. In an acceptable way. Know the right trend for the right occasion. Avoid wearing printed tops mixed with printed bottoms. And please! Avoid the floral print. I know how it is a trend nowadays, but come on. This is not a summer get-away. Also, wear decent skirts. This is not just-another-day-in-school thing. Be dignified. Appearance is the first thing people see in us. Let's admit it, most of the time we judge the people around us based on how they look and how they dress. In looking for a job, it is a must that the applicant should dress up accordingly and appropriately. It is also a must that the applicant gives justice, dignity and angst to what s/he wears. It is not enough that the applicant has a good pair of corporate attire. I have seen some applicants who wear super suits, but they do not look like dignified at all. Be smart. When the employer asks you something, be smart in answering. It is not enough that the you have good academic records. Most of the times, the way you bring yourself has more points than what is written on his/her curriculum vitae. Carry yourself in a manner that will give the employers an image of someone who is not only intelligent, but also street smart. Don't be too timid and shy, because that won't bring you anywhere. But don't be too assertive as well. You don't want to make a bad impression, right? Be prepared. Always bring an extra copy of your curriculum vitae, even though you are in for the pre-employment exam. It comes very handy most of the time, believe me. And please, know/remember what position you are applying for. Bring extra everything. Extra pen, extra clothes, extra shoes... Extra everything. BUT! Do not get bring too much of everything. The essentials I have in my bag are a pair of clothes and flat shoes. Usually, I change my outfit after the pre-employment exam or job interview. I just not comfortable enough in projecting my corporate image. (Changing outfit is optional). Don't bring your parents with you. Seriously? It is not a PTA meeting. Bring your brains. Okay, enough said. Once upon a time, I had a dad. A real one. And his name is Valentin.
December 16 was a usual cold day for many Ilocos Norte dwellers who lived in 1938. Second World War was looming over the horizon, but that did not prevent them from preparing for the start of Simbang Gabi, a tradition we inherited from the Spaniards. They were hoping that they would be able to complete the nine days of Simbang Gabi so that their wishes could come true. Unfortunately for Justina, a devout Catholic, she would not be able to complete it because the night before she was rushed to the nearest hospital to give birth to her fifth child--Valentin. That day, December 16, 1938, the world gave its nastiest smile on him.
Valentin grew up in a large family, which was very common at that time. He was very good in numbers, just like the rest of his family. He graduated Valedictorian in elementary. Like any of us, he had his childhood dreams: to be a CPA lawyer (unfortunately, only the CPA part came true). He had a sunny disposition in life, he believed in everything. He believed that he could do anything and that he could be anything he wanted to be. In his eyes, everything was possible. But when his father went bedridden due to stroke, the family's middle class status went down the drainage. So as his childhood dreams.
At a young age, he learned the hard way. He helped his mother in her work, so to add to their income. He worked some odd jobs just to help his family. Among the brood of six, he was the only one whose education had suffered a lot. He had to stop schooling because his older siblings were all in college and high school. He had to sacrifice his "tuition fee" so that the college students in their family could continue studying. He just resumed studying when there was extra money. Then when there won't be enough money to support his education, he would stop again. His education went on and off for some years. But he did not stop believing then. He worked harder. He studied the books of his older siblings just to catch up. At long last, he graduated in high school in 1957, three years behind his supposedly graduation.
He then ventured to Quezon City when he learned that he passed the UPCAT. He was full of positive vibes when he got to Diliman. All his dreams were slowly unfolding before him, he thought. He explored the city, hoping he could get a boarding house he could afford. But he could not afford boarding houses in Quezon City. Instead of being Iskolar ng Bayan, he became Construction Worker ng Bayan. Instead of having diploma from the University of the Philippines Diliman, he had nothing but a piece of paper signifying that he passed the UPCAT. And instead of living in a decent boarding house near UP Diliman, he ended up living in an abandoned truck in Caloocan. He then moved to Malate to live with a photographer cousin. He helped his cousin in developing the pictures in return for free lodging. He held three odd jobs at the same time only to make ends meet. After sometime, he went back to Laoag with his baggage full of dirt and with his skin pitch-dark.
He continued his college education at Divine Word College of Laoag, majoring in Business Administration. This too went on and off. During the years that he stayed in Divine Word College of Laoag, he showed exemplary academic performance. He topped most of his major subjects. He worked while studying. He was a laborer during the day, and he was a student in the evening. It was not until his third year college that he decided to come back to Manila. He thought that he would earn decent living once he was there. He left his college degree undone with a mission to give a better life to his family.
Once in Manila, he became an employee in Congress. After that, he looked for a better paying job to support his younger brother and the medicine of his father. He then applied as a staffer in an oil company, then made his way up to being a manager. Life was indeed smiling upon him at last. Years came by, he decided that he was not growing as an individual in his current managerial post.
In 1969, he quited his managerial job and started working in BIR as an inspector. After a couple of years, he decided to continue his degree. He enrolled at Philippine School of Business Administration to finish what he started out. As usual, he studied while he worked. He obtained his degree in 1975. Though not with Latin Honors to tag along with his name, it could be said that he graduated with high grades. In 1977, he made his fulfilled the first step to being a CPA Lawyer. He passed the board exams, and became a Certified Public Accountant. This gave him a high position in BIR. It was the start of Valentin Bareng-Santos' time so to speak.
He was indeed a hard working man. He loved his family more than he loved himself. Though he spelled success in his career, his married life was close to being dysfunctional. He had three wives. The first one he had annulled. The second one died from cancer. And the third one he had died on. He was known for being cool with women. He was Mr. Suave personified. Despite that, he was a good provider and a good father to his children. He never forgot their birthdays (for those he knew). And he never forgot to have quality time with his family.
However, good things must come to an end. On September 9, 1997, he was diagnosed with Liver Cirrhosis (which later became cancer of the liver) due to his excessive alcohol intake and failed health-seeking behavior. That day, the optimist in Valentin Bareng-Santos died. He got depressed. He could not accept the fact that he was not invincible, that like everybody else he could acquire such disease. He was in denial. He sulked and drunk even more. He felt alone. And he did not know what else to do. His family supported him in every way possible. After some time, he went to a support group (a group of people with disease like him). But he found it difficult to accept his situation. The disease was slowly eating him. Cancer cells already hit his lungs. He was at the point of no return.
Exactly 600 hours and 10 minutes after my eight birthday, he died. But all I know is that once upon a time, he lived. If there is one thing that I will say to my future employers, it would be this: I am a product of public schools, and am proud of it. From my grade school to college, I have been reared and educated in a public school, and never once in my entire school age that I regretted it. In fact, I enjoyed my public schooling. And I am just glad that my mom did not agree with my father when he said that he’ll send me to a catholic school (Oh Lord, I am just so glad). Public schools are known for its wrecked and worn facilities. The classrooms are (too) small to occupy 70 apprehensive students. The windows are in the state of disrepair just like the doors. The desks and chairs are either slightly broken or totally dysfunctional. The library (if there is such thing in public schools) is just as inaccessible to students as the comfort rooms (for students, because teachers have their own clean and stink-free comfort room). The comfort rooms smell horrible and bring no comfort at all. The water supply is almost non-existent. In short, comfort rooms are off-limits unless you have a strong stomach or you just have no choice at all but to “expel” right there and then. But some rooms have their own comfort room, which is less vile as the communal CR. These master rooms, as I would like to call it, are usually rooms of lower grade school students (grade 1 to 3). To add to these, there is no computer room. IF there is one, it is only accessible to the faculty or to lucky students. And the computers are either outdated or defective. As for the books, public schools are also known for its tattered and limited number of books. Only a few number of students can have a complete set of books (which are not free, because the students have to return them to the school at the end of the class). Some students share books with some partners. Ration is sometimes 1:5. And that, my friend, is quality education for you (if you base the quality on the school’s facility). But in this kind of school I have survived. In this kind of school I have learned something beyond what private schools can offer. I have learned more about life, which is something that one cannot learn from the four corners of his/her air-conditioned room. I have learned to open my eyes and to look beyond what is superficial. I become aware of the realities of life—that not everyone is equal and has the capability to be schooled up until college, that poverty exists, that some students go to school without food and/or money and that I cannot help all of them, and that the world is simply harsh. I was educated more about what happens in real life than about what the academics and scholars would say. The public schools I've attended taught me to be street smart rather than be intelligent. They taught me that limited resources do not mean failure or low quality education. Instead, this limitation actually adds to the skills and abilities to make something great and creative. This limitation taught me to be careful with whatever I do, and to be creative as to maximize whatever resources I have. With this, I learned that it is not the means that define a student's capability, but it is the process as to come up with an end that matters most. Those public schools taught me that the four-cornered room is not the only reality there is, that it is not even the whole of life itself, and that it is just the beginning of something more. Having been reared and educated in public schools is a real blessing for me, because I would not be the person I am today if not for public schools I've attended. Go public schools! Can you do me a favor?
PLEASE STOP BEING NEEDY. Okay, I understand that you are in the middle of great peril as of the moment and that you need someone to talk to and someone to be with so that you can forget all the bad things that happened to you, but dude, you are not the only one who has problems and hang ups here. I also have my own problems to deal with, and I cannot listen to your rants and dramas everyday minute of everyday. I cannot spend 24/7 comforting you because some people broke your heart and some people screwed you up. I cannot give every minute of my life in making you feel good every time you feel bad, because honestly I don't have the key to your happiness. I cannot coax you every time you feel like your whole world is crashing down, because I am also struggling to keep mine from breaking down. I get that you only want someone you can pour your heart to, but sometimes it gets tiring to be that someone.
I am not a comforter. If you want one, you should buy one in any leading department stores within your vicinity. I am not a 24/7 rant bag to you can demand time from whenever you feel like ranting. Grow up. I have my own set of problems to solve too, you are not the only one whose heart has been broken, whose trust has been betrayed, and whose ass has been shoved off on your own face.
Dude, we're friends BUT sometimes there are some things that you need to deal with on your own for you to mature. Not all people will baby sit you. Not all people will be kind to you. Not all people will give you comfort whenever you need it. Not all people have the patience to listen to the same crap you say. You have to know that. You just have to learn the hard way. (Okay, I am being harsh.)
PLEASE STOP BEING CLINGY. I get it, I get it. You just need someone to stay with you through this all, but do I really need to stay awake 24/7 just to hear the same old lines? I mean, do I have to explain to your why I was not able to reply in the middle of the night? What part of the "I am human, I have basic needs such as sleep and food, etc." you don't understand? Please do not ask me why I was not able to respond to your texts and/or calls right away. And please don't demand any explanation whatsoever from me, because you are not my mom, you are not one of the "Gerls", you are not one of my high school friends, and you are not even a Batingawer.
I understand that you are in dire need of friends right now, but do you really have to DEMAND TIME from me as if my whole world revolves around your mere existence? Just because I understand what you are going through does not mean that you can DEMAND TIME from me as if you are the only friend I have. You should know that I cannot be exclusive to only one friend, I am a people-person.
Stop acting like you are my boyfriend, because you are not. Do not ask me where I am, what I am doing, what I am thinking, blah blah shit. Do not ask me why I don't respond to your calls. Do not tell me what to do. Do not tell me what I should not do. Do not tell me to talk to you everyday. HELLO.
Stop acting being so high school. Stop acting like a child with separation anxiety. And stop being so clingy.
I have a life. And it's not revolving around you and your problems.
It was not until today that I remembered how it feels like to go back to grade school days, a time when all things were simple, as if printed in black and white, a moment when there was no "it's complicated" blah blah shit. All was simple and clear. It was a moment in everyone's life, at least for me, when dreams were ambitious and fearless. It was the time when I felt like Superman, as if I could achieve anything. Good old days.
It was as if I had a flashback in front of me. My elementary friends stood a meter away from me. They were smiling at me, as if welcoming me back. It had been years, almost a decade I guess. I have not seen them in years, because I was so caught up with my life. They were still the same, I thought. Though their bodies and their faces were a little different, they were the same.
We talked for some time, laughed at our stupidity back then, and parted ways. At the end of that conversation, I realized that they did not change at all. It was I who changed. Then it hit me. It was I who forgot my childhood. It was I who left everything. It was I who never looked back. Wala na. Ubos na. Blangko. Zero. Ito na ang puntong 'yon ng buhay ko. Lahat blangko. Parang walang patutunguhan. Parang walang saysay ang mga bagay bagay na nangyayari. Hindi ko maisip kung anong punto ng mga bagay na ginagawa ko. Bakit ganito? Bakit ganyan? Wala akong makitang rason. Ubos na ang lahat ng saya na meron ako. Wala na. Lagi na lang ganito. Pero ito na yung punto na hindi na babalik ang lahat sa dati. Ito na yung punto ng buhay ko na alam ko na wala na, hindi na talaga ako sasaya. Ito na yung punto na alam kong wala na akong saya na aasahan. Hindi ako malungkot. Hindi lang talaga ako masaya. Ano yun? Malabo, oo. Pero ito na yun. Ito na talaga. Wala na eh. Nasaid na ang lahat ng saya na inipon ko. Walang natira kahit bakas. Kumbaga parang isang alkansyang basag. Maaaring isa na naman ito sa mga emo rants ko, pero hindi eh. Dahil hindi naman ako malungkot. Hindi lang talaga ako masaya. At hindi ko alam kung bakit. May kulang kasi. Pero alam kong kahit punan ko pa ang pagkukulang na iyon, hindi siya sasapat para mapalitan ang alkansyang basag. Ubos na din ang kakayahan ko para makita ang mga hidden messages ni Badjula para sa akin. Pagod na ako. Wala na kasing saya. Pagod na ako sa kaiisip ng mga dahilan para bigyang linaw ang mga nangyayari sa akin at sa aking paligid. Ang katotohanan ng buhay ko ay napakalayo sa buhay na nakaukilkil sa aking isipan. Wala na talaga. Wala ang saya. Ito na ang punto ng buhay ko kung saan wala akong magawa kundi ang tumunganga sa isang alkansyang basag. Wala akong lakas. Wala akong kakayahan. Wala lahat. Ubos na. Blangko. Zero.
"Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax. Everything will be okay. You can do it."
Mantra for the rest of January and February 2010. Kinakabahan na ako.
Shit. Alam mo yung feeling na parang guguho na ang mundo mo sa dami nang dapat mong gawin? Yung feeling na mabilis ang pintig ng puso mo, parang masusuka ka na, at nahihilo at biglang nadedepress at nagpapanic. Yung wala kang magawa kundi mag-isip lang nang mag-isip. Yung pakiramdam mo na sasabog na ang utak mo sa kakaisip ng mga bagay bagay at deadlines, tapos hindi mo naman magawa kasi isip ka lang nang isip. Inaatake ka na ng panic, isip ka pa din ng isip. Gusto mang gawin, mapapatigil ka na lang kasi hindi mo alam kung paano mo uumpisahan. Tapos maiisip mo na mahaba pa ang oras. Pipilitin mong kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na mahaba pa ang panahon at kaya mong gawin gawin ang mga dapat mong gawin sa loob ng isang linggo. Tapos hindi mo na gagawin ang mga bagay na dapat mong gawin kasi iniisip mo na mahaba pa ang panahon. Magbubulag bulagan ka sa katotohanan ng buhay. Then, sasaya ka panandalian.
Matutulog ka na muna, magbabasa ng kung anu-ano, magsusulat ng blog entries, maglalagi sa internet. At bigla mong maaalala na madami kang dapat gawin na hindi mo ginawa. At kapag napagtanto mo ito, kulang na ang oras. Magppanic ka ng ilang segundo o minuto, magrarant sa mga kapalpakang ginawa mo sa buhay. Magbblog ka, sasabihin mo kung gaano kadami ang dapat mong gawin at kung gaano kaliit o kaunti ang oras na nakalaan para matapos mo ang mga bagay na iyon.
Isusumpa mo ang mundo. Magagalit ka sa professors, sa mundo, at sa edukasyon. Sasabihin mong sinisira ng mga ito ang buhay mo, na pinahihirapan ka ng mundo at ng profs mo, na mahirap ang mag-aral. Ipagkakalandakan mo sa virtual world ang mga bagay na kailangan mong gawin para makita nila kung gaano ito kadami at gaano kahirap. Gagawin mo ang mga dapat mong gawin, hindi ka magtutulog. Magka-cram ka. Aakalain ng magulang mo na isa kang mabuting estudyante dahil napupuyat ka sa paggawa ng papers, projects, documentaries, at thesis. Isa kang mabuting estudyante sa mata ng magulang mo. Kulang ka sa tulog, tapos ka na sa mga dapat gawin. May eyebags ka sa eyebags mo at pimples sa pimples mo. At sisisihin mo ang eskwelahan kung bakit ka napupuyat at kulang sa tulog.
Pero ang mapagtatanto mo sa huli, matapos ang lahat ng ginawa mo at lahat ng pinagdaanan mong hirap, ikaw ang nagkamali. Ikaw ang may dahilan kung bakit ka napuyat o nawalan ng tulog. Ikaw at ang mga mali mong desisyon ang may sanhi ng pagkapagod mo. Maiisip mo na hindi ang eskwelahan o ang edukasyon o ang propesor ang may dahilan kung bakit ka naghihirap dahil ang totoo, ikaw ang gumagawa ng dahilan para mahirapan ka. Maiisip mo na dapat hindi mo sinisi ang sinuman o anuman sa kapalpakan mo sa buhay. Walang kang dapat sisihin kung bakit may eyebags ka sa eyebags mo, o kung bakit may pimples ka sa pimples mo kundi ang sarili mo.
Ginusto mo iyan. Dapat kang matuto sa mga pagkakamali mo. Alam mo na dapat iyon. Pero sa susunod na pagkakataon, alam mong hindi mo pa din maiiwasang ipagpaliban ang mga dapat mong gawin dahil mas masaya kang gumawa ng wala at maging masaya kahit panandalian lang. Alam mo na ang kalalabasan ng mga gagawin mo, pero wala mas pipiliin mo pa ding magpanic at magcram. And the cycle continues.
The night is young, but I feel so old. My mouth tastes bittersweet, my eyes are blurred, and so is my mind. The putrid smell of the room, the loud music, the drunken teenagers, and the cold liquor—they bore me, they totally bore me. I want something else. I want to be somewhere else. Can somebody give me a nudge and wake me up from this nightmare I am in? Meeting new people, partying all night, drinking until you drop and sobering up a little after— these things are shit now. These things are only fun when you’re young, impulsive, and foolish. Teenagers, you’ll realize this when you’re a little older. (I sound like a Lola, shizz). But for now, you have the right to be dead drunk and stupid. Enjoy it and learn from it. (Kindly disregard previous statements) ;D Never kong ginamit ang word na syota. Pakiramdam ko kasi nambabastos ako. Pero ngayon, gagamitin ko siya. SYOTA. Ang syota kong hindi ko magets kung ano ang gusto. Hindi ko magets minsan ang trip niya. Madalas siyang sabog na tipong nakadorga. Minsan naman sabaw siya. Malabo kausap. Pero ayos lang. Syota ko naman siya eh. Ang syota kong walang direksyon sa buhay. Araw-araw iba iba ang trip niya. Minsan mukha siyang matino naman, tipong parang alam na niya kung saan siya pupunta. Pero madalas talaga para siyang ewan. Di ko na din siya magets, pero ayos lang. Alam ko naman na darating ang panahon na magkakadireksyon siya. Malalaman din niya ang kanyang purpose sa buhay. Ang syota kong nakakasakal. May araw na talaga namang parang ayaw ko na sa kanya, gusto ko na siyang sukuan. Masyado siyang demanding. Gusto niya lagi may panahon ako sa kanya. Gusto niya siya lang ang papansinin ko. Gusto niya sa kanya lang nakasentro ang buhay ko. Nalilimitahan na niya ang social life ko; hindi na nga ako masyadong nakakagimik ngayon dahil sa kanya. Nakakapagod siya, nakakasakal. Ayaw ko na din minsan, pero sadyang ewan ko ba… Kailangan ko kasi siya. Hindi ako magiging kompleto kung wala siya. Mushy mang pakinggan pero… gets? Ang syota kong kung anu-ano ang pinapagawa sa akin. Hindi ko naman matanggihan. Automatic na ang response kapag may pinagawa siya. Parang reflex na eh. Ang syota kong tila sinisira ang buhay ko. Ang syota kong alam kong matatakasan ko. Ang syota kong alam kong makakaget over din ako. Oo, hindi kami habang buhay magsasama. Ayaw ko. Syota lang naman siya. Sa ngayon, kami muna. Hahanap ako ng paraan para matyempuhang kalasan siya. Syota lang naman, SHORT TIME kumbaga. Maghihiwalay din kami ng landas sa tamang panahon. Harsh? Siguro. Pero kasi wala akong balak kasamahin habambuhay ang syota kong kilala ng iba bilang ‘Thesis’. Na-experience mo na ba 'yung pakiramdam na alam na alam mo na yung gusto mo, nakikita mo na ang sarili mo na gagawin ang ganoong bagay sa buong buhay mo, tapos biglang engggggk?. Nagcrash silang lahat. Nawala na sila. Naging blurred. Di mo na makita ulit.
Well, ganyan ang nararamdaman ko sa mga panahong ito. Di ko alam kung ano ang nag-trigger ng ganitong confusion ulit sa akin. Alam ko na ang gusto ko eh. May pangarap na ako sa buhay. Alam na alam ko na. At handang handa na akong abutin yun at harapin, pero sa hindi malamang kadahilanan, ayun! Parang yung binili kong lobo sa labas ng simbahan, lumipad nang hindi ko namamalayang nabitawan ko pala. Parang yung picture na inedit ko, pagkaprint nagpixilate, naging malabo.
Handa na akong maging Anthropologist, gustong gusto ko na eh. Alam mo yun? FIXATED na ako. Tapos biglang WHUTT? Lahat ng drive ko para maabot yun ay nawala. Di ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko. Lost na naman ako. Haha. Sabi kasi ng isang parte ng utak ko, kung saan ako magaling, dun dapat ako magsimula. Naisip ko, baka ipinagsisiksikan ko lang ang sarili ko sa field ng Anthropology... Baka hindi talaga yun ang gusto ko. Baka ginusto ko lang yun dahil yun ay isa sa mga bagay na hindi ako magaling.
Pero saang bagay nga ba ako magaling? Sa pagpapatawa? So, magiging comedian na ako? Wah. Ewan ko na. Lalalalala. - Hindi ako BI/Lesbian. Utang na loob, saan nyo nakukuha ang mga ganyang ideya? Nakakatawa lang kasi hindi lang isang beses akong napagkamalang bi/lesbian, kundi maraming beses na. Di ko magets kung bakit ganun ang impression saken ng ibang tao. Dahil ba sa boyish akong kumilos? Dahil sa mga swabe kong punchline (na panlalake)? Dahil sa mga jokes kong 'Lalake ako.'? Or siguro hindi din nila magets kung seryoso ba ako o hindi kapag nagjojoke ako ng ganun, ganun ba yun? Ay ewan. Bahala na sila. Hindi naman ako bi/lesbian. Babae po ako.
- Hindi ako marunong makipag-usap sa straight male. Weird ba? Pero seryoso yan. Awkward kasi para saken. Kaya ang tendency ko ay maging 'pare mode' sa harap nila. Hahaha. Ayun, buddy ba. Defense mechanism ata yun dahil talagang hindi ako komportable kausap ang straight male. Parang feeling ko nababasa nila ang kaluluwa ko. Praning ba? Well, ganun talaga. Kaya wala din akong eye contact sa kanila. Pakiramdam ko kasi may microchip sila na nakaembed sa mata nila para mabasa ang mata ko at iniisip ko. Basta, hirap iexplain.
- Madali akong madala ng emosyon. Alam na alam ko ito, kaya ang tendency ko ay maging detached at objective sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Labo ba?
- Supersensitive ako. Madali akong makaramdam kung may badtrip sa akin or kung may tensyon sa paligid. Hindi lang halata, pero super sensitibo ako sa mga ganung bagay.
- Kapag totoong crush ko ang isang tao, hindi ko siya papansinin. Deadma lang. Hahaha. Yung kaibigan niya ang bibiruin kong 'Uy, crush kita pare.'
- Madali kong makalimutan ang mga sekretong sinasabi saken kaya magaling akong magtago ng sekreto. Haha
- Laging sumasakit ang tyan ko pag nasa byahe. Or kapag kasama ang taong gusto ko. Anxiety attack.
- Madali akong mafixate sa isang bagay o tao, at madali din mawala ang interes ko dun kapag nalaman ko na ang lahat.
- Frustrated artist ako.
- Pinakaayaw kong sakit ay sipon + ubo. Umiiyak ako sa gabi kapag di ako makatulog dahil dyan. Haha.
Dear Thesis, Thinking about you is killing me. It brings me to the unfathomable depths of depression and desolation. I don't know. You make me feel so worthless. It is as if I can't do anything right. Every try seems like a failure. I am tired and lost. With you, it feels like my whole world is crunched in a tiny matchbox. It is hard to breathe. I feel suffocated with our relationship. You just make me feel tired and sad and depressed. Can we just put an end to this madness? Please. Because I can't take it any longer. Love, Angel PS: Please bear with me. You know how much I love you, but it gets tiring sometimes. So I guess, we should just enjoy the time while it lasts, 'kay? When we part, think of it as a new beginning for you. Don't be so sad. Hindi ako writing major, at lalong mas hindi ako Philosophy major.
Sablay ako sa syntax at lalong hindi ako sumusunod sa balirala (tama ba o barilala? Sorry. Dyslexic ako minsan.) o grammar. Kung meron mang rules sa pagsusulat, malamang na zero din ako dun. At kung titingnan man ng isang eksperto ang aking mga sulat, malamang na hindi na nya ito tapusen. Itatapon na lang bigla. Wala naman kasing nagbabasa ng mga blog entries ko, puro kasi mahahaba. Oo, alam ko. Hindi ko kasi kayang iksian. Ang hirap kayang paikliin ang mga ideyang nabubuo sa isip ko. Magulo din. At saka, nakakatamad.
Hindi ako metikuloso sa aking gawa. Minsan lang siguro kapag nagkakaroon ako ng oras para basahin silang muli. Nagsusulat lang naman kasi ako kapag hindi ko na kayang pigilan ang urge ko na magsulat. Pero hindi ako writing major. Kung naging writing major siguro ako, wala akong maisusulat. Mahirap kayang magsulat kapag may grade na katumbas o di kaya kapag may theme na inihain sa harap mo. Hindi ko kaya ang pressure ng deadlines kung naging writing major ako. Baka mag-automatic shut down na lang ang aking utak kapag ganun. Hindi ako writing major, pero gusto ko lang magsulat. Masaya eh. Siguro naman lahat may karapatan nun di ba? (Okay, insert Journ Responsibility here)
Hindi din ako Philo major, pero para akong stuck sa 'why' phase ko. Tipong bata ba. Ano nga bang tawag dun sa phase/stage na yun sa psych? Haha. Di ko na maalala. Ohwell, ayun nga. Lagi akong may tanong na 'Bakit?' Minsan sensible naman ang tanong ko, pero kadalasan hindi. Gusto ko lang mag-isip. Masaya siyang hobby eh. Gusto ko din ng debate. Pero syempre sablay ako dun sa Logic system. Di carry ng utak ko ang ganun. Yung may If then, blah blah. O di kaya ung, types of argument.. May fallacy fallacy. Masi-5.0 lang ako dun. Pero ayun nga, gusto ko pa din siya. (Yung mga gusto ko, ayaw naman saken eh. Ayaw saken ng writing, ayaw din saken ng Philo.)
Hindi ako Writing or Philo Major, pero bakit ba lagi na lang akong nagpapabiktima sa intellectual masturbation? Ilang ulit na akong nabigo sa iyo. Ilang ulit na akong nasaktan dahil sa iyo. Pero bakit ba balik pa din ako ng balik sa iyo?
Hindi ko din maintindihan ang sarili ko. Minsan ayaw ko na talaga. Suko na talaga ako sa iyo. Pero sa tuwing sumasapit ang gabi, ikaw ang laman ng isip ko. Hindi ako makatulog dahil sa iyo. Hindi ko alam kung masokista ba ako o sadyang tanga lang. Lagi akong hands down pagdating sa iyo. Lahat ng depensa ko para labanan ka, nawawala kapag andiyan ka na. Lahat ng dahilan ko para hindi ka pansinin, naglalahong parang bula sa tuwing darating ka. Siguro sadyang head-over-heels langn ako sa iyo. Kahit alam kong ayaw mo sa akin, sige pa din ako. Gustuhin ko mang sumuko, wala eh. Mas nananaig pa din talaga ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo.
Alam ko namang wala akong pag-asa sa iyo. Matagal ko nang alam. Gets ko na eh. Sa mga signs na binibigay mo pa lang saken, alam ko na. Hindi naman ako ganun ka-slow. Pero... Alam mo yun? Sana maintindihan mo. Alam kong una pa lang ayaw mo na sakin. Alam ko yun. Hindi ko namang ginusto na ganto ang maramdaman sa iyo eh. Eh kung pwede lang bang mabura ka sa pagkatao at isipan ko, malamang matagal ko nang ginawa. Kaso wala, olats ako pagdating sayo.
Alam kong una pa lang hindi ka na meant para sa akin. Biruin mo naman, pinuntahan pa kita sa Diliman para lang mapasaakin ka. Kaso walang nangyari. Huli na ako. Nabalewala ang pinagpaguran ko nang ilang taon. Huli na ako para sa iyo. Wala na akong puwang sa puso mo.
Matagal din akong depressed sa kasawian ko sa iyo. Pinagkasya ko na lang ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na kahit paano ay nagbibigay din ng kasiyahan sa akin. Pero kulang pa din talaga. Dahil hindi ikaw ang mga yun. Kaya naman nitong nakaraan lang, inipon ko ang lahat ng lakas ng loob na meron ako. Sinubukan ko na muling mapansin mo. Pero tulad noong unang beses. Nabigo ako. Nahuli na naman ako sa iyo.
Sabi sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko, may pag-asa naman daw ako. Kaya lang mabagal ako. Oo, alam ko na yun. Subukan ko na lang daw sa iba pang pagkakataon. Sabi ko naman, o sige. Kaya ayun, naghintay ako ng ilan pang panahon. Nakakita ako ulit ng isa pang pagkakataon para mapansin mo ako. Sinubukan ko, at gaya ng mga nauna kong pagsubok, ako ay nabigo. Nahuli na naman ako ng subok.
Bigo ako sa iyo. Sobra na ang dinanas kong depression dahil sa iyo. Bakit ba ayaw mo sa akin? Gustong gusto kita! Higit pa sa pagkagusto ko sa iba. Bakit ganyan ka sa akin, Creative Writing? Ilang araw na akong walang matinong tulog.
Nagsusumigaw na ang eyebags ko. Malalim na ang mata ko. At hapis na ang mukha ko. Hindi ako makatulog ng maayos. Gabi-gabi akong nag-aabang, nakikinig. Ang puso ko ay walang tigil sa pagkabog, tila kasabay ko ding naghihintay. Ang mga pagod kong mata'y walang humpay sa pagsulyap sa binata, naghihintay sa iyong pagdating. Magdamag akong gising, tila di mapakali. Ang bawat hampas ng hangin at ang bawat patak ng ulan ay tila signos na nagdudulot ng kaba sa akin. Darating ka alam ko. A
Ngayon, kahit wala pa akong matinong tulog, handa na ako sa iyong pagdating, sa unos na iyong dala. Humanda ka Pepeng! Hindi mo kami magugupo!
Time heals all the wounds--I believed not.
Time passes yet the pain remains--leaving my heart with a hole of emptiness and indifference. The bitterness stays, and behind all the laughters and smiles I break. The hurt creeps into me during the nights of solitude and regret.
So you see, I am solitary. I am empty. I have nothing to give for bitterness, pain and hurt already took it away. It gets harder with each passing night, every passing moment seems forever to me. It is hard to want when there is nothing to aspire for. It is hard to be happy when all that is left are memories--memories that make the feeling even worse. It is hard to try when trying seems like a stranger.
Time passes like forever, like eternity. With each ticking of the clock, the hurt gets more unbearable than before, piling up, leaving me heavy with sadness and pain. (11/05/08; 1:03am) Kelangan ko ng pahinga!
Pagod na pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na akong i-meet ang expectations ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Pagod na pagod na akong magpabiktima sa pagre-reversed psych nila sa tuwina. Bakit ba ganito?
Pero hindi ko naman maiwasan na huwag magpabiktima, kasi sa totoo lang, ayaw ko din namang i-fail sila. Kung tutuusin, kasalanan ko din naman kung bakit ako pagod. Sa una lang ako aayaw, kunware badtrip kasi pinipilit nila akong gawin ang mga ayaw kong gawin, pero in the end? Ayun. Gagawin ko din naman with full effort pa. Bakit ganito? Parang cycle na lang ang buhay ko? Parang yung mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin, sila ang lagi kong ginagawa para lang mapasaya ang mga taong nasa paligid ko. Hindi ko alam kong dapat ba akong maging matuwa na may napapasaya akong tao, o dapat akong mainis sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko magawa ang mga bagay na gusto ko. O kung magawa ko man yung mga gusto kong gawin, sobra naman ang guilt na nararamdaman ko. As in yung tipong pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamakasariling tao sa buong mundo. Normal pa ba 'to? Normal pa ba ako?
Sa totoo lang, naiinggit ako sa ate at sa bunso kong kapatid. Parang lahat ng gusto nilang gawin, nagagawa nila. Mukha namang masaya sila. At hinahayaan lang sila ng nanay ko. Bakit parang pressure sa kanilang dalawa? Si Ate ayos lang kahit hindi tumulong sa pamilya. Si Tinay okay lang kahit tamad mag-aral. Bakit sakin hindi? Bakit kapag absent ako sa trabaho, sasabihin ng nanay ko 'Bakit hindi ka magtatrabaho?' Sasabihin ko naman, 'Wala ako sa mood eh.' Syempre hindi siya sasagot for some time, at bubulong na lang mamaya maya ng 'Sayang naman...'. Syempre ako naman, magtatrabaho na lang. Wala naman akongn ginagawa eh. May punto naman siya. Kesa mapuyat ako sa wala, magtrabaho na ako. Kumita pa ako. Pero kasi minsan, gusto ko lang talagang gumawa ng wala. Gusto ko lang magmuni-muni. Magrelax relax ba. Feeling ko kasi ang tagal tagal ko nang nagtatrabaho. (At thankful ako na may trabaho ako.) Kaya lang, kelangan ko ding magpahinga di ba?
Kelangan kong magpahinga. Kaya magpapahinga ako ngayon. Sana lang hindi ko lang maramdam ang ultimate guilt na dala ng pagpapahinga. Hay. Dysfunctional Family. Isang masalimuot na terminolohiya. Mahirap bigyang kahulugan. Mahirap maarok. At bago pa natin ito mabigyang kahulugan, kelangan muna nating bigyan ng kahulugan ang konsepto ng 'Functional Family'.
Ano nga ba ang tunay na kahulugan ng 'Functional Family'? Ito ba ang pamilyang may isang ama, isang ina, at ilang anak na sama-sama?
Alam kong ang 'pamilya' sa konteksto ng ating lipunan ay kadalasang binubuo ng ama, ina, mga anak + lola at lolo. Kumbaga, extended family. Si Ama ay nagtatrabaho para sa pamilya. Si Ina ay nag-aalaga ng mga anak (pero sa panahon ngayon ay nagtatrabaho na din si Ina!). Si Ate ang kanang-kamay ni Ina. Si Kuya ang magdidisiplina kina kapatid. Ang bunso alila ni Ate at Kuya. Ang middle child walang papel. (Isisingit ko lang 'to kasi middle child ako). Si Lolo at Lola, dahil si Ina ay nagtatrabaho, ang mag-alalaga sa mga apo. Iyan ang mga tungkulin ng bawat isa sa pamilya. At kung ang mga ito ay nasusunod, maaari na ba nating sabihin na ang ganitong pamilya ay functional?
Kung isang taong galing sa isang kumpletong pamilya ang aking tatanungin, malamang na 'oo' ang isagot niya. At malamang na ito din ang isagot mo sa akin kung ikaw ang tatanungin ko. Malamang na karamihan ng Pilipino ang maniniwalang ang isang functional na pamilya ay yung pamilyang kompleto. Pero hindi ko sinasabing ito ay totoo. MALAMANG lang. Pwede pa ding magbago. Pero sa ngalan ng article na ito at para sa ikatatahimik ng utak kong nag-iingay, sige kunwari totoo na lang siya.
Kung ang konsepto ng isang functional family ay ang isang pamilyang kumpleto at may mga myembrong sumusunod sa kanilang tungkulin, matatawag pa ba nating functional ang isang pamilya kung ito ay kulang? Matatawag pa ba itong functional family kung ang isang myembro nito ay pumanaw na? Matatawag ba itong functional family kung ang ama at ina ay nagtatrabaho sa ibang bansa at ang panganay na anak lamang ang siyang tumatayong guardian ng pamilya? Sa ganitong sitwasyon, may dalawang rules na nabali at hindi nasunod. Ang pagiging kumpleto at ang pagkakaroon ng tamang tungkulin sa bawat myembro ng pamilya. Kung ganito na nga, dysfunctional na bang matatawag ang mga ganitong pamilya?
Ano sa tingin mo? | |
